Stuff Just Got Real

     This week has flown by and now each day brings a new email dealing with the pageant, a new piece of clothing or hair, and in some ways, a level of self consciousness I haven't had to deal with before...
     I tend to consider myself a self assured gal. I'm a college graduate, and a wife and mother as well as a career minded professional. The assurance I thrive off of has always came from my intelligence or my talents; my assurance has never been rooted in my outer beauty. I grew up with a mom and dad that taught me that looks and charm could only take you so far, you have to work hard to accomplish your goals. That has never been lost on me. So at first I approached this pageant just as I have approached everything else, its a goal oriented project that I'll work hard at and gladly accept the feather I'll receive at the end of the project for my classically stylish hat to go with all the other feathers of years past. The problem is this feather doesn't match the others.
     Let me back up...So I made my first payment for the pageant last weekend and stuff became real very quickly. This is happening! I am going to put on a pretty dress and a lot of makeup and possibly fake hair and "strut my stuff" across a stage. My mini meltdown was short lived; I can do this! Unfortunately, this project became even more real when I was made aware through email that I will be the Tennessee delegate in the Mrs. category. Pardon? I'm a state delegate? Me?
     For some odd reason, my posture immediately changed. I sat up straighter, I didn't curse (as much), and I didn't take every opportunity to be my little smart mouthed self, in a word I was sub-consciously being poised. This behavior did not last very long and I was left with this feeling I've been given a gift I hadn't earned. Even if it is just a name on a page, I became aware of the fact that I was representing something, something way bigger than me. That awareness was met with a feeling that I'm not good enough to accept this new name, "Mrs. Tennessee". Again, its just a phrase but it has changed everything.
     I want to do my best, this is no different than any other project, but now, I have to do this. I have to prove to myself that I'm bigger than the voice saying I'm not pretty enough to participate in this pageant. Couple my perseverance with the support of my friends and family and I'm pretty certain that the ugly girl inside of me telling me I can't do this won't have a snowballs chance.